


he gift-wraps self-sacrifice and calls it love

by lonelydoctors



Series: i always come when you call (& dean will always call for cas) [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Angst, Angst and Feels, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, M/M, Poetic, Quote: But still beautiful. Still Dean Winchester., Self-Hatred, actually there are a lot of quotes in here, also his relationship with his body, exploring cas' complexity, features 15x18 so beware of spoilers, his relationship with himself and emotions and dean, kinda a timeline of cas and his evolution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:21:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28529865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelydoctors/pseuds/lonelydoctors
Summary: It aches and feels and it gives room for his fears and doubts to grow, and he shouldn’t feel the way he does, but still, his body shatters at the altar of Dean Winchester and he says, “I think it’s time for me to move on.”He clings onto the longing and spins it into love, he gives a speech and tries to put into words how much it all meant to him. He ends it withI love you, and knows this isn’t enough, because his love is more than love, and maybe this is some new human-angel hybrid kind of love, and perhaps it’s something he will never be able to fully express, because it doesn’t exist outside of himself.Or: A character study/timeline of Cas' evolution and his relationship with humanity, feelings and Dean
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: i always come when you call (& dean will always call for cas) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2086332
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	he gift-wraps self-sacrifice and calls it love

**Author's Note:**

> > i will never get over the fact that dean made this billion year old creature feel love
> 
> **warning** : this does feature **spoilers** for 15x18 and the canon death of cas 

“Keep Dean Winchester safe.”

That’s what they told him then, and to date, it is probably the only task he hasn’t failed at.

He knows, that he’s not infallible, he knows, that he can make mistakes, he knows that now, and perhaps he never was (infallible, untouchable, impeccable) but the difference is that he didn’t use to know.

Without questioning, without thinking, he followed every and any command given to him, and maybe he was better then (better off), but he feels like he might have been faulty way before then.

Maybe the problem was never actually his skill, and maybe he really was impeccable by design, but there was something else going on, something deep inside of him, lingering and festering like an infection, waiting, and it’s only when he met Dean Winchester (the catalyst) that it broke through, eroding his system and slowly corrupting his beliefs, tainting them with unsafe emotions and ambiguous feelings and selfish wants.

And now he just keeps making mistakes, wrong calls, wrong moves, he judges too much and not enough, he takes too long and not long enough, and in the whole of it, he just keeps _failing_. And it makes sense, because infections aren’t a good thing and now he keeps slipping, and it makes him sloppy and less reliable and a burden, and yet, Dean keeps him around, humours him, and he knows that it’s not because he’s needed or because he’s wanted and he knows that he doesn’t know why but he knows that he’s glad, because he’s got nowhere else to go and no other life to lead.

At least, for every other failure, he gets to keep this one promise. Keep Dean Winchester safe.

o o o  


It’s the utter look of betrayal on Dean’s face when he looks at him. When he averts his eyes and breaks the connection. It’s the seemingly endless pit of nothingness in his stomach and the feeling of ‘ _I can’t breathe_ ’ in his throat and he knows he made a terrible mistake. He’s scared, and he doesn’t want to be, and he knows he may never make this right again.

“I had no choice,” he tries to explain, tries to reason and fix it all, but he feels the lie on his tongue.

“No, you had a choice,” Dean shoots back, and his voice drips with disappointment and lingering resentment. “You just made the wrong one.”

Now it’s him who has to avert his eyes, because he can’t bear to look at Dean any longer, he can’t take the sun, because he doesn’t deserve it, and because it burns too bright, shining light onto his rotten flecks of betrayal and failure.

Dean’s been his anchor, his lifeline, in a sea of questions and doubts, and now he’s gone and broken that too. Like a child in a glass museum, he destroys everything he touches, and some things just can’t be mended and this, this moment right here, might be one of them. It’s too late now and he wants to go back to the way things used to be, but he’s too far gone by now and nobody will ever have use for a thing that’s neither here nor there.

o o o  


“I need you,” is everything it takes for him to regain control of his body, and when he comes to, he sees Dean, kneeling in front of him, and he drops the knife (immediately, without hesitation) because he would do anything to protect Dean Winchester, and he’s quite sure it’s got nothing to do with his original task anymore.

“What broke the connection?” Dean asks and looks at him, green eyes framed by freckles, and he doesn’t want to believe that this is love. Because it hurts and it tears and he doesn’t want to love Dean Winchester, because if he loves him he’s gonna fail him and all he ever had to do was keep him safe.

Inside he screams _I love_ you, but he says, “I don’t know,” because he doesn’t want to be a burden and because he doesn’t want to hurt him, and maybe he doesn’t even know what love really is, because he’s not human and this body isn’t his and it wasn’t ever supposed to be.

o o o  


There’s a knife pointed at him, and he knows that he’s in danger, that he should be scared and fighting for his life, but he looks up and it’s Dean who’s holding the knife, perched over his body with a manic expression in his eyes.

And maybe that’s always been his problem, that he loves him because of it and not despite it all.

Dean deliberately stabs the book beside him instead, and he should be glad but he’s not, because maybe Dean should have done it, and maybe he should have let this body go and start anew, because maybe the infection hasn’t yet reached his core.

But deep down he knows he’s lying to himself, knows that it’s never been an illness of only the body, but rather him all along.

o o o  


It’s a mockery, “You only tolerate the angel because you think you owe him, because he ' _gripped you tight and raised you from perdition._ ' Or whatever.” And it’s Dean who’s saying it, but at the same time it’s not him, and he recognises his own words and remembers when he said them, why he said them, and he also remembers something else “I dragged you out of hell. I can throw you back in,” and it’s him who said that, but at the same time it’s not him, because the words feel strange and bitter on the tip of his tongue.

The ridicule rings in his ears and he looks around, ashamed, afraid, exposed. It’s not Dean who’s saying it, not really, but there must be some truth behind it, at the very least because it’s his own truth.

He’s not of use here, perhaps he has been once, or maybe that was just his twisted sense of justice and righteousness, but now he’s broken and wrong and so very lost.

But he’d hoped, he’d wished and pleaded, that, at the very least, they didn’t know that, but it’s all out in the open now, for all to see and hear and ponder, and he’s oh so afraid of being cast out, of being left behind, and now that he feels, now that he wants, he feels like he doesn’t want to be a burden to Dean, he doesn’t want to be the debt that can’t ever be repaid.

o o o  


“You can’t stay,” Dean tells him, and he finds the sudden pain in his chest regrettable. Would the words have hurt the same at the start of it all? Unlikely.

Now they’re like a knife, twisting in the rotten parts of his insides, causing his agony to bleed out, and for the first time in a while he remembers that this body isn’t his.

It aches and feels and it gives room for his fears and doubts to grow, and he shouldn’t feel the way he does, but still, his body shatters at the altar of Dean Winchester and he says, “I think it’s time for me to move on.”

He means it, but his voice wavers and his eyes dampen and he finds himself betrayed again by this body, because it’s not his to own, because it detects his fear and his longing. Where is he supposed to move on to? Where is he supposed to go if not here?

His place in heaven has been lost a long time ago, and maybe he never really had it in the first place because there was something wrong with him from the start, and now he’s stranded, with no place on earth, and he finds it deeply distressing that he feels more at home now in a body that isn’t his than anywhere else.

o o o  


“You changed me,” he says, and means it, because he’s no longer who he started out as, and yet he still feels incomplete, like he’s not where he wants to be. He still makes mistakes, he’s still plagued by doubts and loneliness and all he wants is some more time to figure it all out, to get used to it, but he fears that his wish may not be granted.

He used to ask Dean once, “What is so worth saving?” and meant humanity, now he’s telling him, “I cared about the whole world because of you,” and means people. He used to think of it as an infection, corrupting his body and making him weak, making him a failure and an abomination and he used to spend nights wishing it all away, wanted to get rid of all the self doubt and the longing and the worry, but now he realises that it has been a gift all along; and he wouldn’t go back for anything.

He clings onto the longing and spins it into love, he gives a speech and tries to put into words how much it all meant to him. He ends it with _I love you_ , and knows this isn’t enough, because his love is more than love, and maybe this is some new human-angel hybrid kind of love, and perhaps it’s something he will never be able to fully express because it doesn’t exist outside of himself.

He dies for Dean Winchester and tries anyway, and he wonders whether this is love, or something more, something greater, and he wishes, not for the first time, that he’d had somebody to talk to, somebody who’d understand, but there’s no one and he’s all alone in a place where he doesn’t belong and a body where no one will ever understand.

But it’s all right, because he takes one last look at Dean and feels like he might have understood one day.

(“Keep Dean Winchester safe.”

That’s what they told him, and to date, it is probably the only task he hasn’t failed at. He’s not going to start now.)

**Author's Note:**

> title from [this](https://gallixie.tumblr.com/post/188132033322/he-gift-wraps-self-sacrifice-and-calls-it-love-he) poem by [gallixie](https://gallixie.tumblr.com)
> 
> [tumblr](https://lonelydoctors.tumblr.com) | [twitter](https://twitter.com/lonelydoctorss)


End file.
